Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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