haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
