It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
