i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When are your genitals available?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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