my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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