Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
