I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
