I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
