Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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