11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
