There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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