Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
