i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize