I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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