It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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