Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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