Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
