Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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