my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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