i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
