Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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