I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
