TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
