i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
