My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize