ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
