I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
