remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
