Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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