He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
