can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
