last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
