Please don't use social media to get back at me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
