Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
