Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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