there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
