I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
