I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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