took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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