all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
