Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
