It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
