She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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