in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
