Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize