somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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