Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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