i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
