please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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