i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
