I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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