im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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