I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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