they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm at about main and main street
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
