My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
