the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
