My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
