I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i need some magic done to my vagina
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
