the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
