dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
