By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
